Struggling in September

This is the first time I have sat down to write my account of the home-going of Ben. It has been a very difficult, very streching, very confusing, very amazing, very precious 3, almost 4, weeks. Ben went into the hospital on August 15th. They admited him, but he didn't get to see his doctor for days. We went to visit a couple times. When we were there monday night, Lois had a meeting, so we prayed with him before we left. He started praying, "Lord....thank you for friends. Give them a safe trip home... with no incidents........... Lord, I want you to be glorified in my life.......thats all I want, Lord." In the following days, his prayer was answered beyond what even he could imagine.
Wednesday, August 20, the doctor came, took Ben's hand and told him there was nothing more they could do. Tears come even now as I write these things because the wounds are fresh and the memories, though sweet, are haunting. Mark and I were on our way to the hospital even before they called us in. We met Kelly in the waiting room as Lois and Ben were having some time alone after the news. Kelly was crying, and I couldn't cry. All I could do was stare. Mark sat quiet, at one point he pounded his fist on the couch. Despite all of the bracing and preparing, I still couldn't wrap my mind around reality in light of my prayers.
We were expecting him to come home on hospice for at least 2 weeks, but he stayed in the hospital for a few more days as his family was called in from Illinois, Texas, and California. We didn't hear anything for a while so we planned on stopping by the hospital sunday after church. On the way, I called Kelly. She was sobbing, and immediately I thought it was too late. I swallowed past a baseball that got lodged in my throat and attempted to ask her what was going on. She said that he couldn't breathe. THey offered to put him on a ventilator which would mean he would be sedated, or to but him on simple oxygen which would mean more suffering. He refused the ventilator. Kelly told me that if we wanted to see him, we better go now.
When We got to the hospital, everyone was there. Coming from our respective churches, we all were there for the same purpose... to be together... and to wait. The twins offered some comic relief and it seemed as if everyone froze whenever Lois or one of the family came out. It was a strange blend of sadness, solidarity, love, fear, and joy. When Mark and I went to see Ben finally, he was sleeping. We talked to his grandma and his dad was sitting on the chair. When we left his room, I could hear Wayne tell his mom, " Mark is the best roomate ben could have ever asked for.... he just sees stuff that needs to be done and does them." I was so proud of Mark and I realized he had learned well from Ben.
Mark and I went out of the hospital only to get food and switch out cars. People started leaving one by one. When Kelly knew that I would stay, she went home to be with the girls. We spent some time listening to Kirsty and some other family tell Ben stories, to which he didn't respond, but i'm sure he heard. Mark had to go get Andy from the airport and it was decided that Judy, Kirsty, and Lois needed sleep, so I would sit in the chair awake with Ben. I had Lois's computer and emailed mom this letter:

"I am sitting by Ben's bedside at 2 am drinking gross coffee and listening for his labored breathing. Lois, Judy, and Kirsty are trying to get some sleep and mark is heading home after picking up and dropping his brothers off at ben's house. Ann took Kelly home to be with the girls around 11 or so (it could have been 10, the hours are running together.) After this is all over, i pray I don't have to come back here for a long time. About 6 months ago, when his prognosis was bad and I was asking God a few questions, I really felt like he was calling Lois, Mark, and I like he called the wisemen and the shepherds and the disciples to witness a miracle. Of course, at that time I thought would be a red sea kind of raw power display where everyone stands in awe;complete healing. After today, I feel like God has allowed us to see many not so obvious miracles and if he does not choose to heal Ben, today would be miracle enough for me (though I still pray for the red sea kind).One pretty cool thing is that we all got to the hospital around the same time. Josh, Kelly, Grace, Kayleigh, Pastor Bob, Ann, Brendan, Krista, Me, Mark, Dave, Zach, and I think her name is heather? IT was like clockwork almost all gathering from wherever we were to be in one place, just to be. The day was spent in and out of hospital rooms, waiting rooms, and in between laughter and tears. But what a witness to the nurses and staff of how loved Ben is and how much he means. He was out of it most of the day and he can't even say yes or no or cough. But Mark and I were in the room when he woke up for the first time. He stared right at us and pointed in our direction. We think he was pointing at the tv, or maybe an unseen guest, or maybe he was acknowledging our presence since he couldn't say "hey guys." Who knows, but we knew after a few questions that he could hear and understand. We got to be there as Kirsty sat on his bed and told him all of her memories and what a great brother he is. The stories made us laugh and mark said, "oh that is so ben" at least a couple times. Lois finally had a chance to tell ben what she wanted to tell him.I had taken Kirsty to meijer to get a few things and Judy left them alone for a few minutes. She told me that she sat by his bedside after they gave him morphine. He had woken up, but was still out of it. She held his hand, prayed, and said it. He looked at her and said, "I love you." She said she thought she imagined it, but he said it again! He can't even say yes or no, but he managed to say I love you twice! What a gift and miracle! Praise the God who knows what He is doing! This story is very personal and private still, and I am only telling you because of the miracle it is. I really don't feel like its my story to tell, but she doesn't know you so I think its ok. But it is hers forever to tell whoever she wants to know or needs to hear. I am still in awe at the love they have for each other and the love God has for them each. Everyone believes in God when someone is dying, many just to comfort themselves, but I feel like I have seen him today in ways i never have and may never again. Believing that Ben is "going to a better place" is more than just a belief to me now because its almost like I see his spirit still unaffected even when his body is mostly gone. His strength is showing vibrantly through his weakness and his honor is being held up by those he loves. He probably has stronger faith and more purpose than most everyone I know and I am in love with one who is following quickly into his footsteps. How blessed am I, and all because I met Brandon, who broke my heart, and left me lonely at OU. Wow. Maybe I will thank him one day. :) Anyway, the coming days could be really hard. It may get more difficult to see the miracles that God performs but I am praying my eyes will be open and that I will remember the things he's done today. Thanks for all your prayers. I really feel them. I love you tons!!!!!!"

Sitting at his bedside that night was an amazing experience I don't want to repeat, but would never trade for anything. To sit by someone so close to seeing Jesus is overwhelming. My job, essentially, was to help him cough when he needed to. He would wake up and try to take his mask off. I would help him and make sure he had a tissue in his hand at all times (he would make sure one was used completely before he would let me give him a new on :) ) His cough would never produce anything, but when there seemed to be even the faintest rattle I would say, "Thats good Ben, that was a good one." and squeeze his hand. The first time I helped him, I tried putting the mask back on and it rubbed against his eye. I said, " I'm sorry Ben, I'm not good at this." His hand came up and adjusted it for me. He always wanted to help, and he helped me more than he knew. I emailed mom that night, talked to aunt karen on facebook, and played solitaire to keep myself awake. Sometimes he would just moan quietly. I would hold onto his hand and say, "Its ok Ben," even though I didn't really feel like it was. The night went by faster than I thought and before I knew it the sun was rising. Mark came up around 9ish and Wayne, grandma, Andy and Corey came up with Cooper mid morning. Cooper was good, and he was kind of clingy to mark. But when he jumped up on the bed, he sniffed ben's face and ben moved his head in to nuzzle him.
The rest of the day, people came in and out. One of the stories that came of this happened mid afternoon when Dave Gannon, one of Ben's coworkers and good friends, came to visit. He told Lois it took him half an hour and 6 times to the elevator to summon the courage to get to the 6th floor. After he spoke to Ben and said goodbye, he told Mark, "I've never been one to search out God, but I have seen him in Ben." When we told Ben this, I could have sworn I saw a tear run down his face.
He became a little more communative as drugs wore off. He wrote down on paper "Ice Cream" and said a couple things. At one point Ann was reading scripture and Ben had to cough. When he was done with the long process, other people were chatting amongst themselves. He turned to Ann and said, "Sorry to interupt." Another time Ann said, "Ben, I got to meet your brother Andy." Andy was sitting right next to her and Ben pointed his hand toward him as if to say, " This is my brother andy, andy this is ann. "
Preperations were made for Ben to go home and be on hospice there (according to his wishes.) I left to take a nap real quick before they got there. The hospice guy set up and told Mark and I hot to work all of the equipment. He gave us instructions for months to come and at that point, I knew we wouldn't need months... maybe not even days. Ben arrived around 9 or 10 pm in an ambulance. They placed him on the bed in the middle of the room. Lois's parents arrived and people were wandering around and talking. Mark and I were on either side of Ben's bed. Mark was talking to him saying, "Ben, I really appreciate you. I remember when you took me to time hortons once a week. I am going to find someone to disciple me like you did." Ben nodded. Mark said, "I am going to find someone to disciple." Ben nodded. He took his mask off and tried to say something we couldn't make out. Mark got a call and I said, "Ben, lets put your mask back on" he pulled it from his face and called over his mom. His mom said, "I love you to ben, is that what you were going to say?" he said " no". She said, " is it regarding your health?" he said, "no." She said is it regarding your comfort and he said no. Finally i said, "Ben, do you need to say something to someone?" He said yes. I said, "Who do you need to talk to?" he said, "Mark." When Mark came over there, Ben said, "I appreciate you." Mark said, " I appreciate you!" He said, "I appreciate all you've taught me about the Bible, Jewish Culture, how to hold a door open for girls..." I said, " and look where that got him!" Ben turned to face me and said, "Thank you." I squeezed his hand and said, "Thank you, Ben." When we went to leave I knew in my heart that this would most likely be goodbye for good on this earth. I said, "We love you, Ben." he said "Me too." Mark said goodbye and I said "See you soon." When Mark walked me to my car, we held each other briefly and cried. But I went home in peace because Ben (through God's power) had given me the closure I needed. No funeral, song, story, burial, or gravestone could ever offer the peace that a simple "me too" did. Intentional until the very end.
About 4 in the morning, Kirsty called and siad his breathing was slowing a lot and if we wanted to be there to come. Mark and I got there around 4:45. Cooper was shaking in the middle of the floor. When he saw us there, he greeted us and went back to Marks room and laid on the bed. We sang songs, told stories and told Ben that he could go now. At 6:53 am on Tuesday, August 26th, our dear friend and brother saw his Savior face to face. When he breathed his last, that smile that seemed so scarce in the recent weeks rested on his guant and cancer battered face again. He was free now.
The day was spend saying goodbye to the body beaten by a fallen world and making preperations for its burial. Plans were in the works to celebrate his life in michigan and illinois and people were in and out of the house for most of the morning. Mark and I found solace and joy in the playfulness of a certain yelow dog as the family spoke of arrangements and took care of some details. It was a heart-breaking, yet peaceful day.
I miss Ben now. Things are strange without him around. People are adjusting, but it takes a long time. We watched the office today and it was weird without him. I dreamt a few days ago that all of this turned out differently and he was healed in hospice. When I woke up, he was still gone. Every now and then I feel like asking him something or texting him or telling him a funny story about Cooper. But I know that soon those times will fade and they are already. Its only a matter of a few short years and we will all be reunited. I like to dream of that day. I know there are probably many things I have left out, and perhaps I will add them perhaps not. But, I just wanted to get everything down before I forget details. Its hard now, but like I told him, "I will see you soon."

"Be at rest once more oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."
Psalm 116:7