Did I not tell you?

Wow...So many changes, so many feelings, not enough words. It is cool to read the last several posts. I just had a pretty good cry as I watched God's hand in each post. It is interesting in the letter I wrote to my mom when Ben was dying I mentioned that I felt as if Mark, Lois, and I were called to witness a miracle. That miracle never happened the way I thought it would, the way I had faith that it could. But other miracles have happened. Life continues... Lois is scaling every hurdle of "firsts" with tears, grace, strength and complete honesty. With every "first" life seems that much brighter until the random fits of darkness and lonliness sets in. Three steps forward one step back.
I stepped way forward in October when Mark asked me to marry him! I am in almost over my head in wedding plans and am enjoying most of it (there is such a thing as too much of a good thing when it comes to planning!) Every day life is so busy and times of reflection rare. The very low to very high emotional events in my life, together, have to work their way to harmony. I think about Ben a lot still, especially when Cooper does something funn (I sure did fall in love with that dog quickly. :) Sometimes the thoughts are of his death, sometimes of his life, and sometimes I just miss him. I can tell Mark does too. Some days he's quieter than others. Sometimes he will just quietly and randomly say "I miss Ben". It is a process and God is teaching much.
Last week I led small group and the story was about Lazarus. Of course the story is very familiar having been through the death of a friend, but something stuck out to me this time as I read it. The concept of Mary and Martha watching their brother die definitely hits home. I can imagine almost to the sounds, smells, and raw emotion. Martha is taking care of him; washing, feeding, giving water to him, while Mary sits and holds his hand. They had called for Jesus, but he hadn't arrived. Lazarus's skin is so clammy and white as snow. He is getting cold. His breathing is labored and the rythmn of his heart uneven. He can hardly talk. They go through the anxiety of hoping that Jesus makes it... perhaps even as Lazarus says his goodbyes straining with every syllable,they refute him, saying Jesus will be here soon. But He isn't. In his last breath there is not only the pain of searing loss, but of horror. Jesus didn't care to come. The shock sets in, not that Lazarus has died, but that Jesus did nothing. It is no surprise to me, having been in that situation, when Mary sits in her seat and refuses to meet Jesus. Martha goes running with all of the faith she can muster and says, "Lord, even now God will give you whatever you ask" But Mary sat at home.
When she was told that Jesus was calling her, she must have thought, " Now he's calling, where was he a few days ago?" But regardless of what she was thinking, she HURRIED to him. When she saw him she did not shake her fist, but fell to her feet. Then she lashed out "Lord, if you were here, you could have done something." First showing respect, then honest emotion. When Jesus sees this broken woman and all of the weeping people around her, he weeps. The God of the universe weeps. With raw power in his arms, and a plan and purpose in his heart, he weeps. Of course, I had realized this when Ben died. I knew his compassion then. What caught my eye this time is what happens next.
At the gravesite of his dear friend, among his grieving family, Jesus stands, eyes red from weeping, but with a heart full of life. Lazarus has been dead for 4 days. They have said everything to each other to comfort one another, "It must have been his time," "He's in a better place" "At least he isn't sick anymore" "We will see him again soon." But those phrases mean nothing now, because he's gone. They had hoped for a miracle and it didn't come. The one who healed the sick and saved lives was too late because Lazarus was dead. But Jesus says, "Take the stone away." when Martha protests Jesus says words that show more purpose and compassion and relief, " Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God? " Lazarus is STILL dead! Ben is STILL dead! Jesus told me before he died that we would witness a miracle. Although Ben did not raise from the dead on earth, we were able to see the smile on his face when he was raised into eternal life. That is miracle enough. But I really think God was telling me, " Megan, death is not the end! Death in no way hinders the ability for miracles to happen!" I am continuing to watch what Emmanuel has up his sleeves. Ben's dying wish was that God be glorified in his life "Thats all I want" He was glorified and is still glorified because death is not the end!!!
There is so much life to live, yet it will pass so quickly. I wish Ben could have known when Mark proposed. I do know that he know we loved each other and we would take care of each other. He knows now! We are going to miss him in May. I can't wait to someday compare stories. What a truly glorious reunion the four of us will have some day. I can't wait!

Start of a poem

Sitting by your bedside as your life slips away
trapped inside by cancer you have so much left to say
trapped by raw emotion all my words seem wrong
so in silence we stay knowing we don't have long.

I cannot take this cup from you but I can hold it to your lips
I can prop your head forward so that you can take a sip
I am honored to have you as a friend
I know that this is not the end

There are miracles to witness
lives you have touched
people who you have known and
loved so much

This is just a "see ya soon"