Venting in April

4/22/08

Do you remember what it was like?
You watched his strong frame bound and chained
You saw his olive skin pale at the sight of a bone laced whip
You saw his life giving eyes turn blank as he gave his spirit.
What were you thinking?
I don’t understand how you could willingly watch with the power to stop it all.I am watching my good friend, Ben, suffer as cancer rages through his blood, infecting every part of his body. It seems He prays to the ceiling as his bones surface and his eyes sink into his head. His hair is patchy and his lips always dry. He constantly coughs up phlegm, or at least tries. A good day consists of keeping at least one piece of food down and sleeping for more than 2 hours. His faith is shaking, like his aching muscles. I don’t know if he’s cried, but the smile once etched constantly on his face and in his eyes, is scarce. A much respected young man with promise and vision most old men dream of is wasting away and losing hope. You have the power to stop it. The cancer, like the cross, is no match for your power, yet you only watch- but you do watch.
Is this the difference?
You turned your back on him.
You could not watch.
You ignored his questioning and his cries
And you let him breathe his last
Because Ben was on your mind
You were thinking of us.
You were saving us.
I try to have an eternal perspective. After all, eternal life is what is most important right? So I tell myself that this is only a season. Whatever happens, we can handle, Ben can handle because God is in control. But I am becoming consumed. What I can see and feel pushes away the confidence I have in miracles. When things go from bad to worse to even worse, all I can do is brace myself as if the bracing will save me from the cutting pain of loss. Where am I to exist? The here and now? Or the there and later? Do I love up close? From the prep room for surgery? From the waiting room for results? Or do I love from my bedroom floor on my knees? Or do I love by letting go? More questions than answers…