Unexpected Joy

When I wrote my last post I did not anticipate what this Christmas would bring. I figured on the normal consistant joy that comes every year. The magical wonder that comes every time you plug in the Christmas tree or smell fresh cookies or listen to carols driving in the snow.... joys that come BECAUSE of something; BECAUSE of Jesus, BECAUSE of good things BECAUSE of blessing. Instead the kind of joy that has come this year is the kind that comes DESPITE. It comes DESPITE the searing pain of loss, DESPITE lonliness, DESPITE goodbyes.
When memories seem to beat up on an already hurting heart it is the joy that creeps in the tiny cracks that hold that heart together. We said our temporary goodbyes to Papa Ed on December 6th, a sunday. Just like a year ago with Ben, I witnessed the miracle and beauty of a man dying well. A body battered by disease, but a spirit soaring with anticipation and bursting with more love than ever before. That love has never been, is not now, and never ever can be doubted, especially by me.

It is difficult to think of Christmas without Grandpa, his jolly self, his smily eyes, his goofy grins. His persistant wonder in every gift opened no matter what it is, even when he doesn't know what it is; his conversation and consistant love. Tears come to my eyes every time I think of the void that is still stinging and will be for a long while.
It seems that the Herald angels are singing their happy songs and Joy is to the whole world, but where does that leave the hurting? Sometimes its easy to ask, "Why now?" of "How can I have a 'Merry' Christmas when my heart is breaking? I have found that Christmas by design, leaves the hurting right in the center of the joy. Almost every Christmas carol addresses the hurting heart in some way.

"Tidings of Comfort and Joy" (God Rest ye Merry Gentleman)

"O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer Our spirits by Thine advent here; Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, And death’s dark shadows put to flight"(O Come O Come Emmanuel )

"Light and life to all he brings,risen with healing in his wings.Mild he lays his glory by, born that man no more may die" (Hark the Herald Angels Sing)

The King of Kings Lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials Born to be our friend. (Oh Holy Night)

"I heard the bells more loud and sweet; God is not dead nor doth He sleep, the wrong shall fail, the right prevail with peace on earth goodwill to men" (I heard the bells on Christmas Day)

There are so many other examples. Even the Christmas story as told in Luke addresses a world in need of peace. The angels didn't come to the comfortable, they came to Shepherds. They didn't say "and on earth happiness to men on whom His favor rests," they said, "and on earth PEACE to men on whom His favor rests." That peace and rejoicing is raw; it does not come only after lighting lights and baking cookies and giving gifts.... it comes before all that. It also doesn't take away pain or replace lonliness. If you notice, the shepherds did not become the kings... but they did have joy- because joy is a baby that grew to be a man and lived a perfect life, died a perfect death and conquered the grave and still lives today! Grandpa is with Joy (also known as Peace, Truth, Word, etc.) and Joy is with us. That fact alone makes Grandpa feel close and Joy even closer. We have never been without Joy, we aren't this year, and we never will be!

Welcoming Christmas 2009

Ok, so this probably won't be my last post about Christmas, but who knows, with the busyness of the season, it just might be! :) My tree is up and my apartment is a strange combination of glorious festivites and monotinous laundry, but I guess thats what the most wonderful time of the year is all about right? I mean the monotony doesn't really go away, 9-5 is still 9-5 come December first, but it is somehow slightly more glorious than 9-5 on November 30. I'm trying to decide what it is exactly that makes it SO full of wonder, even though Christmas comes every year. I am coming to the conclusion that it is two things that my mom always told me would NEVER get old, that is people and the Word of God.
Amongst the many tragedies of our fallen world is a person without loved ones on Christmas; however MOST people have someone or a group of someones that make their holiday worth the shopping and the trimming and the parties and the decorating. These people, whether they be relatives only seen once a year, friends who are a part of our everyday lives, strangers who happen to work their way to our table, or a welcoming group of people making us feel at home in a place far away from home; whoever they are, they are. They are tall, short, stocky, thin, gruff, pleasant, funny, intriguing, quiet, broken and beautiful people. The anticipation of being with them, cooking for them, giving to them, and enjoying the crowned creation of the most creative Creator is part of what breaks the monotony.
The other part of the mystery of Christmas is the miracle of Word made flesh and swaddled in a feed trough. The Creator/Created who is the Light of the world. Everything that is good about Christmas, the lights, the sparkles, the fresh snow, the warm cookies, the new start; all of these are only symbols of Truth. Truth that we cannot understand speaks in quiet triumph with all the resounding stillness of a silent night into our hearts, almost unnoticed or unidentified. The "warm fuzzies" we get when we give a gift was invented by the little baby in the barn who was the greatest gift ever given. The laughter we experience was thought up by the one who chose shepherds and kings to break the silent prophecy now fulfilled. The emptiness felt by those scarred by loss is the very void this baby came to fill and every wish on every Christmas star is the Hope of Nations instilled into hearts of the wisest of men who believe that a star can reveal the Salvation of the entire world.
So instead of trying to cram away the mundane and live only for the glory, why not try to see the glory in the small things and the wonder of how simple it really is. People and the Word, its all we can take with us, the only things that do not get old.

Time to switch the wash!

Fight Songs

I spent the weekend with college students last weekend. At one point the schools broke out in their competing fight songs. Of course Uof M and Western were huge ones and filled the room with boisterous noise, but little old OU has a fight song that no one knows! However, there were a few who chanted the made up "Who Who's in the house? OU's in the house! OU!" Ha, it was funny. However loud and annoying fight songs are, they are arousing and they do inspire school spirit. I decided that I am pretty sure college students are some of my favorite people. With all the spirit of a highschooler and the maturity of an adult (mostly anyway) :) , they have enough of a past to make them want to change the future for themselves and for the world. Some come looking for answers, some looking for questions, most looking for community and a family that will love them for them. For freshmen, it is the start of making their faith their own and for seniors it is the start of leadership. Here are some annonymous testimonies and commitments:

"I've grown up in the catholic church, my family didn't really practice. I have been doing drugs and alchohol until last week. Last night when I got here, I thought it was pretty lame. But today it was a lot more interesting. When I heard *Lisa's (name changed) testimony about how she struggles with the same things as me and how Jesus changed her, I realized that I need to start looking into this stuff and sharing it. I want to try to start a support group on campus...."

" I was in the World Changers track and God has really challenged what I want to do with my life. I am almost done with a masters in pharmacy, but as I was working in the pharmacy the other day, I did not feel satisified at all... maybe He is calling me to something else?"

"I came here looking for community. I never had a lot of friends, but now I feel like I have people who care about me!"

There are so many other stories and hearts changed. We sang a song in Spanish that reminded me of a mulit-cultural kind of fight song. Its words were "Se Mueve, se mueve, se mueve con poder. Con con con poder Con con con poder, Con con con poder, Se mueve el mano de Dios!" "It move It moves It moves with power. With, with , with power. With, with, with power. With, with, with, power, Moves the hand of God." As we sang Con con con poder we pushed up our hands in a charge-like motion.... The university is a taste of the whole world, representing cultures, languages, customs, backgrounds, families, etc. Unity amongst all those different lives and facets of life under on Father is a little taste of Heaven.

Lets start over....

So, I guess I started this blog saying that I had no idea what it would turn into and for a while it was a place I could get out some of my feelings of grief, anger, frustration, and confusion during the loss of a friend. But I think I would like to change the direction somewhat to focus more on things of every day life. Stories of the little moments of joy, the fascination of nature, the inside jokes between friends, and the smell of fresh brewed coffee. The fact that the blog in its nature resides on the internet means that my journal pages will be coffee stain free and without the doodles and crossed out words of a hand-written journal, but it will still be written in the moment, probably with coffee in the hand and unseen strokes of the backspace or delete button.
The last few months have been wonderful on one hand adjusting to the joys and challenges of married life, and somewhat dry on the other as I have been distracted from ministry and even daily times in the Word. They say it is easier to follow God through the hard times when you are desperately dependent on Him, when your life or the life of a loved one depends on soley on His power and when the things of the world only seem dark and powerless. I can see now why that is so. It is sometimes hard to remember the source of the good things in my life and the fact that they wouldn't be good without a relationship with the source. When things are going right and the path is straight, a false sense of self confidence creeps up and whispers lies that are easily believed when the spiritual senses aren't so cautious and the guard is let down. When you realize you will still wake up the next day after skipping devotions and the lightning doesn't strike it is easier to skip them again... and again...
So, today I am starting new with this blog and with many other things. I am going to start remembering the Source and spending time listening to it. Having good things without knowing who made them is like seeing a piece of art and not knowing the story behind it... the good gets gooder the more the Artist is known.
Anyway, just some new thoughts about a new leaf during the fall months when most leaves are falling and old... a reminder that God is where life and death and fall and spring and beginning and end all meet.

the beginning....

Did I not tell you?

Wow...So many changes, so many feelings, not enough words. It is cool to read the last several posts. I just had a pretty good cry as I watched God's hand in each post. It is interesting in the letter I wrote to my mom when Ben was dying I mentioned that I felt as if Mark, Lois, and I were called to witness a miracle. That miracle never happened the way I thought it would, the way I had faith that it could. But other miracles have happened. Life continues... Lois is scaling every hurdle of "firsts" with tears, grace, strength and complete honesty. With every "first" life seems that much brighter until the random fits of darkness and lonliness sets in. Three steps forward one step back.
I stepped way forward in October when Mark asked me to marry him! I am in almost over my head in wedding plans and am enjoying most of it (there is such a thing as too much of a good thing when it comes to planning!) Every day life is so busy and times of reflection rare. The very low to very high emotional events in my life, together, have to work their way to harmony. I think about Ben a lot still, especially when Cooper does something funn (I sure did fall in love with that dog quickly. :) Sometimes the thoughts are of his death, sometimes of his life, and sometimes I just miss him. I can tell Mark does too. Some days he's quieter than others. Sometimes he will just quietly and randomly say "I miss Ben". It is a process and God is teaching much.
Last week I led small group and the story was about Lazarus. Of course the story is very familiar having been through the death of a friend, but something stuck out to me this time as I read it. The concept of Mary and Martha watching their brother die definitely hits home. I can imagine almost to the sounds, smells, and raw emotion. Martha is taking care of him; washing, feeding, giving water to him, while Mary sits and holds his hand. They had called for Jesus, but he hadn't arrived. Lazarus's skin is so clammy and white as snow. He is getting cold. His breathing is labored and the rythmn of his heart uneven. He can hardly talk. They go through the anxiety of hoping that Jesus makes it... perhaps even as Lazarus says his goodbyes straining with every syllable,they refute him, saying Jesus will be here soon. But He isn't. In his last breath there is not only the pain of searing loss, but of horror. Jesus didn't care to come. The shock sets in, not that Lazarus has died, but that Jesus did nothing. It is no surprise to me, having been in that situation, when Mary sits in her seat and refuses to meet Jesus. Martha goes running with all of the faith she can muster and says, "Lord, even now God will give you whatever you ask" But Mary sat at home.
When she was told that Jesus was calling her, she must have thought, " Now he's calling, where was he a few days ago?" But regardless of what she was thinking, she HURRIED to him. When she saw him she did not shake her fist, but fell to her feet. Then she lashed out "Lord, if you were here, you could have done something." First showing respect, then honest emotion. When Jesus sees this broken woman and all of the weeping people around her, he weeps. The God of the universe weeps. With raw power in his arms, and a plan and purpose in his heart, he weeps. Of course, I had realized this when Ben died. I knew his compassion then. What caught my eye this time is what happens next.
At the gravesite of his dear friend, among his grieving family, Jesus stands, eyes red from weeping, but with a heart full of life. Lazarus has been dead for 4 days. They have said everything to each other to comfort one another, "It must have been his time," "He's in a better place" "At least he isn't sick anymore" "We will see him again soon." But those phrases mean nothing now, because he's gone. They had hoped for a miracle and it didn't come. The one who healed the sick and saved lives was too late because Lazarus was dead. But Jesus says, "Take the stone away." when Martha protests Jesus says words that show more purpose and compassion and relief, " Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God? " Lazarus is STILL dead! Ben is STILL dead! Jesus told me before he died that we would witness a miracle. Although Ben did not raise from the dead on earth, we were able to see the smile on his face when he was raised into eternal life. That is miracle enough. But I really think God was telling me, " Megan, death is not the end! Death in no way hinders the ability for miracles to happen!" I am continuing to watch what Emmanuel has up his sleeves. Ben's dying wish was that God be glorified in his life "Thats all I want" He was glorified and is still glorified because death is not the end!!!
There is so much life to live, yet it will pass so quickly. I wish Ben could have known when Mark proposed. I do know that he know we loved each other and we would take care of each other. He knows now! We are going to miss him in May. I can't wait to someday compare stories. What a truly glorious reunion the four of us will have some day. I can't wait!

Start of a poem

Sitting by your bedside as your life slips away
trapped inside by cancer you have so much left to say
trapped by raw emotion all my words seem wrong
so in silence we stay knowing we don't have long.

I cannot take this cup from you but I can hold it to your lips
I can prop your head forward so that you can take a sip
I am honored to have you as a friend
I know that this is not the end

There are miracles to witness
lives you have touched
people who you have known and
loved so much

This is just a "see ya soon"