meaningless....

Well,
Two months later is my first regular post. Two months full of weddings, showers, graduations, Jenna coming home soon and cancer getting worse. So many mysteries. I can't understand the love that brings on the committment of a lifetime or the committment that brings on the love for the dying. A year ago Ben led our small group and we studied Ecclesiastes. The meaningless of life and the time for everything is acting out in full force this year. The joy of a wedding and the dread of death are both trying to find a place in my full and breaking heart. Mixed in all of it is a huge life decision based on the state of that heart and who the broken mess of joy and sorrow belongs to. Forsaking all others until death do us part is a comittment with no out and it scares me. What I am trying to decide is if my love can be made perfect enough to drive out that fear and walk down that aisle.
So Death walks in and threatens to take those I love before I can make that decision and Joy displays itself in others lives while a dark force tells me that that joy and peace may never be mine. Where am I in all of this? Sometimes I feel my only direction is from God's Word, which seems more to me like a GPS that I haven't updated in way too long. Right now I am "lost enough to let myself be led" (Rich Mullins). Circumstances and the feelings raging in my own heart serve as a reminder of how very incabable of controlling anything I really am. So I think I am going to stay where I am for now and wait for the Shepherd to find me. Simple trust.